I smiled today as I enter the bathroom of super-hero art of those in bathtubs and using the bathroom. The artist JP Huddleston from 2017. Captain America on the doorway with USA underwear, Spiderman above the towels in a bathtub with an ironman duckie. Thor showering on the side and Superman brushing his teeth,
I think of the creation of the bathroom selfie for me. Flickr says 2012 but it was actually around 2010-2011. It is so odd for me to imagine that that level of intimacy of me with an Ironman mask reading an encyclopedia would create a trend. Others were probably around that time, but none I saw until after when I was know for the toilet portrait. None definitely in the archetype realm of our heroes using the bathroom and wondering/knowing why knowing there was the family portrait of myself, An Alice variant and a made-up character of personality that later the props got repurposed for Captain Cold..
I enjoyed what came after. The Disney’s Evil Queen on the toilet and even Hulk at a urinal. I think I opened the door for a beast or may of just of been there at the right time and place. I tend to do that. It was always about the reveal for me. On one side it was always going to be “We all Shit” and that we should stop judging one another. On the other side it was about the intimacy I was letting in and what my “family” allowed.
It was common practice that I’d from time to time incorporate that intimacy with others. A bathroom is a scared place and more sacred than a bedroom. We are the most vulnerable there and it is only by gift that we are in the bedroom with others if at all. Imagine the bathroom and what goes on there. It never gets talked about but it is natural and we all do it. The unpleasant aspect of it is countered by the aspect that we sometimes have our best thoughts in privacy. Privacy is important in knowing that we can be alone, safe from judgment and allowed a place to do what we naturally do. I could apply that to sexuality but that is a completely different conversation that we don’t talk about when we are most vulnerable. Learned over time there are reasons for that.
I remember when I first got the home of 4 bedrooms to myself. Took months to find myself and my soul in the hallways of unpacked boxes for months. Not very much sleep and weight lost. I ran allot. That brought me peace and my connection to music. When others came in it was a welcome to “my” home where I invited people in or not. The ones who stayed with me were all from discontinued relationships so we all connected there for the most part. We were family and all trying to find our ground. Never a first choice but always a safe place.
The introduction of the bathroom selfie came around the same time of BLL and H+V1. It came from exploration and it came from being comfortable with people. To reveal a bathroom selfie in this regard is not to be taken advantage. It is often we take pictures of ourselves there. “We are feeling ourselves” or we look great while in the mirror. But what is out most vulnerable? What is it that we won’t reveal? I find it ironic as it is something that as you grow into a relationship that it becomes possibly common place and something casual. It is always about that first introduction that is important if allowed. I always after shoot used the bathroom selfie as the end knowing we got to know each other and it was either allowed or not. I imagine it to be the same of the bedroom but it is another level of intimacy and vulnerability. A photographic perfect toilet is important. It is an open door to conversation and letting someone in.
I learned of Zhang Huan in my Contemporary Art History course in my Masters studies in 2021. I tried to revisit it afterwards to find that that class was not available but the classes previously were. Intimidated on the zoom aspect of that, but perhaps protection or awareness as I was able to search the others. I took the challenge for that class when a professor told me to take it and to narrow my studies. Was absolutely necessary and I content on judgement of art from stock search on what is good and what has been done. I understand the stock artist and when artists are taken advantage of. We take the visual for granted as if it was always there and readily available. I noodled that thought with performance of memory knowing what a starving artist has to do and pushed myself creatively to something you wouldn’t find on stock and I’d control the image of always. I was honored to learn of the performance aspect of it and what it represented back in the 90s. Hours covered in honey to let bees collect before going to the water to watch them die in the water and cleansing of self.
A beautiful moment of humility and poverty where artists make profound statements of trying to change the world and better it. I’ve been stuck on exploitation knowing my experience of the last 3 in one realm, 5 in another, 16 in another, 21 in the base. “18 and on your own.” It has been a challenge and not because I haven’t been successful in what I do. The passion on the side has had its effect and has been heard and adapted. I know what I wrote in my letter of recommendation knowing the ones that didn’t get published and I was honored to have experienced from those who believed in me. I stand by if it is a “write it and I’ll sign it” mentality is there, I might as well write it myself which is what I did. That “art degree” discountment is never going to fly with me at this point. Not in the company I’ve had.
We all shit thought. That is the point.
I haven’t had a chance to touch a Heroes+Villains image since Corona and when I was in my Masters. Due to experience and their liability, I shall not return in the exploitation and manipulation route. Perhaps that is the way it was supposed to be. We pay for classes and self-discovery routes are not worth the 5-6000 dollars without proper professionalism of critique. No fault there as teachers invest completely in their students and it is allot of work. Always will be. Completely unethical if adapted for their own personal gain, but I am sure that is discussed prior to enrollment wondering where the bridge is on inspiration for an artist and a teacher knowing they are both. With my toilets, people say one thing in the front and in the back end something else comes out. The sweet sound of prospects go into a different direction where I imagine vulnerability is always still going to be the case for me. It is something natural for all of us.
They say a bee was not meant to fly. I’ve spent my career struggling, making ends meet and now left to the place of not comfortable in the means that I’ve been allowed knowing even this area is no longer a safe space in capture the flag. I’m co-dependent without a home for myself. I’m unemployed. I’m not lost and I know what has happened so that breaks may barriers in that front knowing I am going to be a PoS on the matter of not giving up. I’d produce and produce but I can’t help but think at this point I’m just being filmed or performanced to the fact of trying to get to my last dollar to sell at a cheap price. All I can really do at this point is say what I am not responsible for while I fight for basic human rights knowing those battles are valid, not common and just. I digress knowing I’ll wrangling in that argument.
I can’t help it as an artist to not produce and I find myself back in a safe space that even there doesn’t feel safe but afforded as it is not my own. I think of unemployment and I think of judgement. I think of nothing left on the walls knowing I have shot this image different on the driveway with more intention and meaning behind it. A warrior fallen and trying to get up. Words and expressions that cannot be read.
I surprise myself with what I hold back on all my artistic tools knowing the lid is shut for now. As I continue to try to process it becomes difficult wondering if I am going to be a fallen hero or villain to what has come before. Masked in experience and personas, I’ve fallen. Hard work cut through and wrapped around intentions of good., I’ve become limited knowing I’ve could have been more and others saw opportunity.
A closed lid of no vulnerability with everything said of just being a brick on the wall to a broken hammer of opportunity knowing others made it pretty much impossible in quick reads.
A bathroom selfie fromm 2010←2022. A closed lid that all I could do at school was try to fly until I learned other wings were clipped before they even knew the world and where to go.