I suppose today was a day to remember. A cornerstone discussion of things one way or another that I arrived to in thoughts.
I turned on my laptop today for the first time since June 2021. The last picture processed and worked was a Cinderella image. Every day I’d process an image here and there will going back to old work and new work at the same time. Shattered dreams remembered and still a test to move things from one place or another.
I found comfort trying to retrieve things from the computer I never wanted to open up again after that day that just sat there off and in the same location it always had been. On it Chasing and Jellyfish and other things that could had given me a life and be able to move on one way or another.
I suppose everything I’ve tried to do to have a life has been taken one way or another at this point where it was just event after event that never had to happen and could had been resolved, explained and countered if only one would talk to me then or now to see what I was protecting vs. what others were protecting.
A 4-million dollar mistake by others was a business decision that did not pay-off in the long run. Perhaps a talk with them at one point on why dresses should had been delivered and companies closed out properly. Perhaps then I could have had a life…perhaps others could of had a business…perhaps others could have their days and years uninterrupted by business decisions.
I think of the liens had on property after. From ships of dresses to the changing of locks in retail and corporate spaces. No one could claim any property from an employee after as employee’s themselves were entitled for compensation, proper notice and a chance to have a life properly when there are those that live paycheck to paycheck while others have the elusive nest egg and retirement funds to fall back on.
While looking through the laptop, I was reminded of my personal desktop before invaded as well and where that has carried over into today in electronic areas that perhaps could had been stopped years ago if only talked to.
I noticed my Walrus photoshoot RAW images in the photos section and instantly shut the laptop for a moment as I was happy to have the images back in some capacity perhaps. After I reopened, they were gone as I suspected they would be. The image of The Walrus was taken at The Gryphon in Savannah where I was an full-time employee there while a full-time student back from 2001-2005 as an Undergrad Graphic Design. I worked in Art’s Café as an assistant manager full-time while working on my Master’s in Photography 1 class a quarter in the same building on the either side. Both together compromise to be The Scottish Rite Temple.
The shoot was approved to happen by my Supervisor and represents many things to be that have been written before and not. A coming of age…a coming of identity…and a full circle of being in the same space 20 years later. The events happened happened and I find myself then trying to collect my stories and a life only to find there is always someone there now to just take it away and not let me have a life.
Today was proof once and for all that again, someone has been ready to pounce on me every opportunity they could and thought perhaps they would own me after or no one would know the wiser. I’m loosing the desire to even write anymore since I find that its hard to get past the Awareness of today and what can and cannot be fought and transformed. Nurtured behavior where I stood up. Stand up and perhaps time to just sit down.
It’s difficult to talk about the instant aspect things occur and there is no psychological problem with me outside of things in 2018-2019 could had been adult conversations of prevention to where we are today. I had those talks with myself in my book and picked up the pieces I could of life and what was important to me and important to possibly others. A chance to cope where never a discredit to reach, push forward and solidify arguments and open discussion boards for betterment of ourselves.
Have I struggled is completely a constructed aspect where even yesterday it was conversation of taking care of fleas in the house and my dogs and family knowing I am not employed, have no chance of being hired and obviously have been followed in areas that are well beyond my fighting ability to do solo.
How much could have had better society? Would I have had the same solutions or outcome had I not gone through this? A shoe string budget on so many things transformed from I first started taking photography seriously in 2008 to now. How much of my life could had been better where its not always about the richness of your heart, but the security of your contributions and connections.
Perhaps moving forward people will be kinder to one another. Perhaps hope exists and people learn honesty on damage done by others misled or who were just vindictive. To me vindictive is the same as retaliation and denotes that personally I’ve hurt someone where conversation could had been have. Perhaps one day people will know what was hidden and what was lost. Could had been found but in the end, the desire to push forward comes to an end.
I’m stubborn and I try but at least I clarified that no one can blame me while I’ve countered just about everything I could. Until then, the public library desktop is just going to have to be the solution for now since others took and took and others tried to save.
I tried to save.