3 years a struggle and I guess it is time to come clean more than I normally have been on the subject on why my birthday brings anxiety, but again one must take great pause before continuing. This month in particular has been building up to the fact that for 3 years now a great travesty occurred and people and corporations went about their lives thinking it was ok to do so without fixing the situation with the hurt parties in question. Has happened before, will happen again. There is always a choice on what you do to right that. Both internally and externally it starts with U. It ends or begins with Us.
Was it worth it?
Did you get what you wanted out of it?
I suppose I could talk about many things, but I feel honestly like as I try to type things are read instinctively. To work at that speed constantly is to understand official capacity and the amount of damage done and involvement across the board. To go to the levels taken is to understand probably what was and is on some people’s mind or perhaps my own.
How far is this going to go?
Is it over?
Will it stop and people start to play nice with one another or are we going to have a kumbaya moment?
Working with what’s available to speak; there are places to look. Then there are things stolen from me. Pre-emptive I guess to try to contain what could have been contained in a civilized manner with behavior that you would expect from not just one another. Integrity is very important. Survival is as well. We work with what we have and sometimes we are afforded opportunities and other times we are denied them. It takes a village to make a community and that goes with understanding the value of people and the contributions put into creating a basis of structure and idealism of what we want or what we think we want in life.
Like many people, we are broken to be made again. Some people have never had a day of struggle in their life. Others have struggled their entire lives. Some make it and some do not. Always a moment of pause as I proceed silently speaking.
The silence is the contention. Just because I don’t always open my mouth to say what is on my mind, does not mean that I have not processed, witnessed, examined, contemplated with the understanding that even I sometimes lack imagination of what is and is not capable of being done. I am always learning as we all should be. Never discount is a good way to approach moving forward.
As I’ve rebooted the last 3 years I understand the difficulties faced. I understand the ripple effect of many rocks thrown into bodies of water. I have never really understand why it only took one week in my last home to my name before things hit the fan. I suppose it has taken this long for the dust to finally start to settle before it gets picked up again.
I’ve spent the last couple years trying to get back to a sense of place. A sense of purpose somewhere in there to always try to do right as I write and produce work and try to maintain a life. When one crashes down, eventually you have to find a way to get up again. Mentally I’ve processed a great deal and to take on the amount of moments and variables takes time. Can’t be a super machine every day to fight against an army of incomes, motives and variables.
As I am now just a little bit older, I am reminded of what I have focused on and what I have not as I’ve paved ways and tried to be the best I could at times for others while being quite fallible in other areas.
I’m not perfect.
My body is not what it was and definitely not where I want it to be. I’m trying to go back to the gym and pick myself up with the help of some friends. Goals to be had that I am sure as other things can be put to rest can move in the right direction towards obtaining. Change things here. Change things there. Always change to be had when you look at yourself in the mirror as well as when others look at you as well. To define beauty is to understand what is within is going to be the most important. The outside a transitional counterpart to the thing inside you that does not have a form or maybe a form that unique to you and you alone.
There is a social conversation that can be had on idealization and what is socially considered an aspiration. There tends to be a discount to those that do not fit something that is either fabricated or built off of repetition of image over image until it becomes an issue on what is and is not desired. That leads to level of inadequacy and in some less desirable. Truth is we are all to be desired and one cannot say they do not have flaws if even they maintain a perfect image on the outside. Has my experience in the past caused me to say that physically appearance can always be changed with work and time. Its that inside that needs to be dealt with first and foremost.
As I continually try to evolve my life back to where it needs to be, it is always important to understand what came before and where you want to go. Trials and tribulations always lead to new perspectives and understanding. The last several weeks I’ve been very reflective of what has happened not knowing what will happen. I figured it was time to transform one of my personas to mean something different than where it was birthed. Everything about it open for interpretation, but always a secret.
From Zero we build back up.
Tu Amada