We take things for granted.
We discount.
We judge.
Prejudice to some. Preference to others.
We love what we love and I have loved so much in my life. No one image a unified answer.
Love transforms and the first rule for any photographer or artist is to love your subjectry. That rule can easily be broken as well if you are looking to showcase the opposite of that emotion in your work. You have to find a personal connection and in it a personal reflection to your self if you are going to showcase it as being something that is forever going to be a part of you.
Forever…such a vague term for me these days. Nothing is had forever. Memories fade. Time fades. Things lost. Things stolen. Everything can be lost. Things could be perceived given in full when in fact you either get 20% of the picture or 2% of the overall connection. 67% would agree on that. 3 years here. 3 years there. If I have learned anything in life it is that we are not given everything forever. Sometimes all we have is the memories or the pictures we take along the way.
I look at this picture well aware of what I saw when I took it. I am well aware of what I wrote when I published it on social media. I am well aware that my desire to write the last couple years in particular do not supersede the fact I’ve written since I was a child. I am a writer even in my own form of language. It is me and imperfect as it is my voice if you are only able to decipher and find the cadence in it.
I have been surrounded by art my entire life. Art is what defines us. It is in the books we read, the pictures we view and even the reflection you see in the mirror when you are brave enough to look at your self knowing it is only one perspective and never the universal or true one. Our selves our defined by how we perceive ourselves, but also how others have perceived us as well. To understand someone is always watching or always projecting is to understand you can play with that to guard yourself or prove a point. Our history is defined by artists and I think that is why I put my footprint between the cracks to harken back to years before identity found and identity stolen once again. Never a question anymore of “Who are U? at this point but more so a question of, “Now what?” considering I am not in control of the situations at hand. Frustration for sure, but to be expected considering. I imagine at this point even this post could be modified and it would or would not be my intention thereafter. I at least have the first submit. I suppose that is where I have ended up. Futility that others are going to write their story and I can only do my best to write mine here and there and maybe if someone was interested would discover the truth.
I have tried to proceed with my life the last 3 years as I have in years prior. Ups…downs…every direction. Somethings shared. Somethings not. Pretty much an open book at this point even if I didn’t have a choice. Perhaps it was supposed to be that way. Perhaps understanding judgement is to call yourself “fat Amy” before any of those twig bitches do it. Discountment is easy. Standing tall is hard. Looking up is hard. Knowing that others pass judgement the minute they see you is a hard thing to overcome. Maybe that is why even today I struggled to even pick out a single outfit for myself knowing I wanted to have something new all around and at the same time had no idea where to go or what to do. I present myself with jeans and grey because that is all I am at the moment. I’ve wanted so much and I’ve experienced first hand that ripped apart and even what I did accomplish and did make has been stolen never to be retrieved again by me in a singular fashion. Even the book I wanted to give my unborn nephew was taken away and it is not in my hands to seek out that person. All I can do is request another copy and even then it would not be the original that was sent to a different address vs. the tracking number and address provided.
I’ve written a great deal the last 3 years. Mostly private and mostly to those that I thought would prevent the things that happened from happening. People banked on my suicide. People banked on commandeering something that never should have been taken away. For what? Contract work? Redemption of business decisions? Lessons thought to be taught when years past and dark ages in between? Always would have worked with people and always would have done greater good. That is a given. To try to attempt suicide again at this point is futile because I rather see that particular bullshit playout in it’s entirety knowing very well I have already become a casualty. I just don’t want to see you think you won that one.
What I have done has not entirely been known yet at this point. Some know. Others do not. Trust me that at least I believe it was for things greater than myself and if to go in any direction please understand that there is a transition of thinking that happens after one does try to kill themselves 3 years ago and then reach for help when they decided they wanted to not give up anymore.
I look at this picture as representing more than what I have at this moment. A snapshot of what I could do but the meaning behind it more universal in it’s approach. Not perfect as someone can always do better, but I found myself not really wanting to change much from the original to the final. Just that act alone makes me realize that I see what I see and I know what I am channeling when I share things. My eye and process I guess uniquely me. Imagine all your RAW images taken away and realize the fact that every single one of those was a past life revisited at a later date that I’ll never get back knowing it was willfully taken. My Jewish Holocaust metaphors are not to be forgotten on that one.
I imagine people probably joined in on the game knowing that things could be taken advantage of. Some I understand for the side of good. Others for the side of something else. In my head the past and present play out not knowing my future. To attack my privacy is to realize that where my privacy was attacked before affects everyone and anyone. That is a scary thing to admit and to come to a realization about. Had I been approached in any way, shape or form of that in meaning, I probably would have reacted differently, but the truth is people wanted me dead and set plans in motion thinking that happened or would happen imminently. I’ve joined the boat and set my own course. Judged either way.
Enough about me.
This image…
I’m reflective in my life, but this is a moment shared. This was intimacy and this was something given and approved to be shared. Photography is that. Art is that. Collaboration and thinking outside the box. For me my art is personal because my models are my friends. They are my family. They are those discounted and they are those stronger than I will ever be to venture into areas of imperfection that I tried to give 23 times over. I respect my connections and I respect that in my means I’ve tried every way possible to find empathy as not a negative term but a term that invokes all emotion.
My head at the moment filled with past, present and somewhat of a future. I struggle to just try to be an equal and at the good graces of others to even have a place to rest my head knowing both have been invaded at this point. To stay on this soil is one thing. That belief system a challenge to what can be proven as already acted on. Digital platform is something else. I try to stand tall knowing I’m at the good graces of many people understanding.
I’ve had many loves in my life as much as I am sure each and everyone who reads this has had as well. Guy. Girl. It doesn’t matter. Friendship. Physical. Sexual. Whatever it the connection, we are making a connection just by reading this statement. Sexuality is a very private thing and something that is only experienced between those that it is expressed in. The rest is up to what you are given to work with. If sex isn’t involved then maybe that was none of your business and maybe sex is not what defines a person anyways. We are defined by our interactions. That shattered mirror will never be everything. Only something.
I’m well aware people can continue to try to steer my life in any direction at this point. I’ve done nothing but give my all and try to love. I know I absolutely have it in me to strike down as well. That is up to the court of law but I question that at this point when the biggest companies of the world are involved. That is something that should not be misconstrued. Everything I ever loved has been attacked and even that I realized it goes beyond me. This picture in particular proof that someone tried to live their life and if this picture claimed anywhere else it is proof of bullshit.
I am a willing participant but you have to understand false sense of godliness. Harmony in the room with me. You know. I know. We know. The platform is open. You have already acted on things. How do you chose to write this from here?
#trytoreedit